Baby Steps and Tender Mercies

Paisley's time at Primary Children's Hospital - Days 8 & 9

Over the next few days Paisley continued dialysis. It was tricky because they would plan a certain amount of time on the dialysis machine, and then it would just stop working and they would have to stop the whole process and reevaluate. Then, sometimes the catheter in her jugular would weaken and she would have to get a new one. That is another ordeal. It was worth the struggles because we could tell the dialysis was really helping her. Gradually, her lungs began to improve and she started to pee more (a sign of good kidney function). Meanwhile, we were still crossing our fingers that the breathing tube could come out soon.
Occasionally, the effects of the sedatives would weaken and Paisley would start to wake up a little. This was good because we could get an idea of brain function and she was showing some good signs, but it was also very hard for me and my family. When she would start to wake up she would grimace in pain, make strained noises, and try weakly to raise her arms. It was clear to me that she was hurting and there was nothing I could do to help but hold her hand and tell that I was there and I loved her. That combined with the constant ups and downs of dialysis and disappointment over the breathing tube was very hard on me emotionally.
The night of day 9 Was one of those break-down moments when I needed to get away and have a good cry. Myles and I left Paisley in the very capable care of the ICU nurses, went outside to one of the hospital gardens, and sat on a bench under some trees. We talked and cried for a while, and then we had an experience that was very special to me.
We were talking about trials and how God helps us learn from them. I told him I didn't know what God wanted me to learn from all this. He gently said:
"Why don't you ask Him?"
"He doesn't talk to me!" I cried and hung my head and sobbed. Myles went quiet. For what seemed like hours (but was really only a minute or two) I just cried. I felt so lost and alone.
Then, clearly in my mind came the scripture reference- Doctrine and Covenants 121. I opened the scripture app on my phone (thank you technology) and looked up the section. These verses stood out to me:

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? [...] My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

It was as if God Himself were saying it to me personally. He was talking to me. I knew it, Myles knew it, and I knew that God was listening to my every prayer and cared about every detail of my struggles. I felt such comfort! Myles and I hugged and cried some more.
I am so grateful for the scriptures. I am so glad that I studied them in seminary and religion classes, and I am so thankful I knew that scripture well enough to find it when I needed it. I know that the scriptures are God's word and he speaks to us personally through them. They bring the spirit and open a conduit to heaven. If you ever feel lost and alone, open the scriptures. God is there for you and He will give you what you need. Whether you need comfort, love, or guidance, He is there for you always. Just reach out.

A Gift For You

Yes, I realize that I have not yet blogged about Christmas or New Years but that will have to come later.

This semester I am in a writing class. It's my last GE requirement and I've been dreading taking it for a while but I figure since I'm required to spend time on it I may as well learn something from it. I hope to improve not only my writing voice and technique, but more importantly my critical thinking skills, because fundamentally writing is just thinking articulated. In order to be a good writer one must be a good thinker. Honestly, I consider myself to be a bad thinker which is why I think I'm a bad writer. How can I be a bad thinker? Well, coming up with original ideas about something I'm not particularly interested in is hard for me. So maybe if I take more interest in the topics I'm writing about I will be a better thinker.

I'm really just writing this post to help me with a writing assignment. For this assignment I am required to give something of "value" away (cannot be simply time) and analyze and articulate the experience.

As I was contemplating what valuable thing I could give away without breaking the bank, I remembered something said by Elder Eyring in the Christmas devotional before bearing his testimony. He said "The most precious gift I have to give is my witness of the Savior." Obviously, Elder Eyring's testimony has great value to him, and yet he is so willing to give it to others. I feel that I don't share my testimony as often as I could.

Does something gain more value the more you give it away? If I had a skill for carpentry, would that skill be more valuable the more I used it for others? Yes, because I can get more from it than just something made of wood, whether that is money, gratitude, or friendship. Also, it is more valuable because I am using it to please someone else who I hope will be satisfied and appreciate my skill. It also has more value to others as they benefit from my gift. Therefore, the value of that skill grows exponentially as I give it away more. If I had a garden full of delicious fresh fruits and vegetables, would those vegetables be more valuable if I gave them away? According to the law of supply and demand, my garden of vegetables has little value to me because I have so many, therefore my demand is small. But to someone else who does not have a garden, the demand for vegetables is high, therefore the value of my vegetables goes up. And as I sell or give more of them away, the vegetables I keep have more value because they are less replaceable. The concept holds true: the value of something grows as it is given away.

My testimony does have great value to me, but according to this principle, if I give it away the value of it will grow both for me and the person receiving. I will test this principle. I will give my testimony to as many people as I can. First my husband, then the blog world, then the facebook world, and I will also prepare a written testimony for my future children to read as they grow.

I know that my redeemer Jesus Christ lives and has a glorified resurrected body of flesh and bone. I know that He is the only way to salvation. He has given us every blessing we enjoy in this life and the next, and through Him we feel the greatest joy one can ever feel. I know He loves me with a perfect love and that He also loves every soul. I am filled with deep gratitude when I think of His selfless and loving sacrifice for the world. His suffering in Gethsemane and on the cross are their own testimony of His great love. While I do not understand fully how one perfect Man's sacrifice can enable so many imperfect beings to also obtain His glory, I know that every promise made by God will be kept and that through Christ's atonement every person can be saved and have glory in heaven. I know He lived and died for us so that we may return to the Father's presence.

I know that God, my Heavenly Father lives also with a glorified body of flesh and bone. I know that He loves every soul including myself more than we can fathom. I know that I am His daughter and because I am his daughter I have a divine inheritance that I can claim if I am true and faithful to all of his commandments. I know that His great plan of happiness is perfect and that if I am faithful I will live again with Him in the Celestial Kingdom. I know that He sent His literal son, Jesus Christ, because He loved the world enough to sacrifice Him that we all may return to Him.

I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet in latter days. I know the Book of Mormon which he translated from ancient records is the word of God. I know the Bible is also the word of God and the miracle by which these two books withstood time and are with us today also testifies of itself. I know that temples are God's holy houses on Earth and the covenants and ordinances performed in the temple are sacred, ordained of God and the only way we may return to Him. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the one true church and it is run by God through prophets and leaders called by Him. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God and that the twelve apostles are also prophets, seers, and revelators.

I know that I can be with my husband and my (future) children eternally. I know that the family is central to God's plan for us. I know that the roles of mother and father, wife and husband, are the most important and sacred roles we will ever have. I know that if I or you fail to fulfill family responsibilities, we will be held accountable by God on judgement day. I know that children are a gift from God given to parents to care for in righteousness and parents have the responsibility to teach their children the gospel of Christ. I know that the greatest joy one can experience is found in the family.

I know all these things because the Spirit has testified it to me and he will testify the same things to you if you ask God sincerely with faith. I say these things in the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Big News

Well hello blog! I've been so busy lately I haven't updated you! I have big news! Sorry, you're the last to know because I told facebook last week. Now you know where my priorities truly are.

Anyway, I'm pregnant! And I'm so excited! And the cherry on top of this awesome Sunday news is that I'm due on MOTHER'S DAY! :D What are the chances of that? Yes, I'm due on May 8th 2011 and I am so excited! I have my first appointment with my midwife clinic tomorrow and I can't wait to hear my little baby's heartbeat! Not excited for the needles though... It's all out of love!

Yes blog, we were planning this pregnancy. We decided last April that we would start trying in August so that our little angel would come right after school gets out, and we got pregnant real quick!

When we first got married,I wanted to wait at least a year to have kids because I wanted to finish school and have more time with my husband etc... But Myles wanted them right away! So as time went on we kept talking about it and Myles had some good points and the spirit kept working on me until finally I gave up my pride and decided to give up on that one year thing. And now I'm so excited! I'm definitely happy with my choice.

We wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret a little longer, but certain events made that extremely difficult. Myles was so excited that he told Ross (the husband of my cousin Elizabeth) and Elizabeth was on the phone. We were worried that Liz might tell my Aunt Kerynne who might tell my Mother and we definitely didn't want my Mom to hear through the grapevine. So we decided to tell the family. But we just wanted to keep it in the family for a while.

...But Bonnie didn't know that it was just in the family so she put it on facebook. So I gave up! Now everyone knows! Hopefully the baby stays healthy so we only have good news to tell everyone throughout the pregnancy.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today and that past 8 weeks have been filled with occasional stomach aches, a slightly more moody demeanor, constant hunger, and unrelenting exhaustion. On top of that I've got my 18 credit hours to keep up with so it's difficult to get all the rest I want. But I want to get as much school done as I can before the baby comes so I'm pushing through all my assignments. I'm not too focused on grades this semester just as long as I pass all my classes.

When I hear our baby's heartbeat tomorrow it will make all this worth it!

Ponderings & Insights

Something really cool happened in AZ that I was thinking about last night. My nephew, Everett, is the one on the left in this photo. He was with us on the trip, he is one and a half and just learning how to talk. My sister Fiona (his Mom) and I were playing with him, and she asked "Do you remember Heavenly Father?" Everett said "Bes" (which means yes).
I was amazed! He may be just giving an answer when he doesn't really understand the question, but what if he did understand?
We tried to ask him more simple questions like "Does He love you?" and "Is He a nice guy?" but all we got after that was unintelligible baby babble.
As I was pondering this I wondered if the veil that removes our memory of the premortal existence is a gradual thing. Maybe young children really do remember because the veil doesn't completely cover their eyes yet.
I know I can't remember anything before a certain age except for scrapbooked photos and I wonder if there is a divine reason for His childrens' lack of memory of their early years. Perhaps during those years we are very close to our Heavenly Father, but in order for His plan to work He must soon remove our memory of Him completely.

I am also pondering the idea of when the spirit meets the body. This is a common, but very ambiguous question in the argument about abortion. I loathe abortion and I believe that even the smallest form of human life should be cherished. Anyway, most of our changes in this life are gradual changes. For example, we mature gradually, we gradually gain a testimony of the gospel, we gradually decide what we want to be when we grow up, etc. Could the process of coming from our premortal life to this mortal life also be a gradual one? What if, for some period of time, in the womb or out of it, we are really dwelling in both worlds to an extent? Could Everett have been closer to our Father than I realized? What a blessing it will be in my home to have children so close to my Father. I think I will constantly be asking them to give Him messages from me, asking for forgiveness or help or blessings on others. In this life I will probably never know the true process of how our spirits come into this life, but I know that these infants are pure spirits that we should cherish.

It's interesting and so cool how I can get so many small blessings and insights from God when I am obedient. The instance when my nephew said he remembered Heavenly Father occurred at a time when I was reading scriptures and praying daily. Sometimes it is difficult for me to keep that habit. But the Holy Ghost brought this to my remembrance at a time when I was also reading my scriptures. I could know so much if I were just diligent in my prayers and scripture study! Heavenly Father truly blesses me.

Sorry my thoughts are kind of scattered. It's difficult to try and fit these experiences and concepts into words.

We're Moving. Surprise!!!!

Yep. We're moving.

In 9 days.

Surprise!

We weren't even looking to move, when we got an ICRDIBLE offer from a friend of ours who owns some rental properties.

We couldn't refuse!

This is such a blessing for us because we've been looking for ways to cut back on expenses and save money while Myles and I get started working with Aflac. It takes a little while before you start seeing revenue. We were praying for ways to save money when we got this offer! And then the next day Myles wrote a few policies (signed people up for Aflac insurance) that we got paid for soon after! The Lord has definitely been hearing and answering our prayers. :)

The only sad part about having to move, besides the hassle of moving, is that we'll have to leave our garden that we've been nurturing for months! It's finally starting to flourish and we've been harvesting lettuce and spinach! I'm really sad to leave it, but We'll plant ourselves another garden at our new place.

Our new address:

290 E 4000 N

Provo UT, 84604

Also, Saturday was free fishing day (the one day of the year it's legal to fish without a license) in Utah, and Myles and I got to go FISHING! I haven't been fishing in years! I really love fishing because it's a chance to relax and enjoy nature (which is especially beautiful around rivers and lakes) while doing something productive. It's so interesting to hear everything Myles knows about fishing that I haven't learned yet, just because I haven't gotten the opportunity. We are going to get fishing licenses and go fish as often as we can! It's something we both anjoy and we can spend time together doing it!

Life is good.

Conception is to Marriage as the Sky is to the 3 Kingdoms of Heaven

Does that title slightly confuse you and draw you in to read my blog?

Good.

And here's an added plus: It's relevant!

So I'll start by explaining how the sky relates to the 3 degrees of glory.

If you're a Mormon and you've ever gone to Sunday school, you already know.

Heaven=3 kingdoms; Telestial, Terrestrial, and Celestial.

Telestial is the lesser.

Terrestial is next best.

Celestial is the bestest.

Well, the scriptures relate their glory to stars, moon, and sun. Hence: the sky.

Telestial=Stars.

Terrestrial=Moon.

Celestial=Sun.

(see 1 Corinthians 15:40-41)

So, have you figured out how conception is to marriage?

I was writing a paper about abortion the other day,

(btw, I loathe abortion),

and I read a quote from a General Authority

(I can't remember who but I can look it up when I get home).

It spoke of how conception occurs when two cells join together to form one living organism which will grow to become a human being.

Do you see the relation?

When a marriage occurs, a man and a woman join together to from one living entity which has limitless potential.

If you think about it a little harder, there's all sorts of neat insights one can gain from this metaphor

(like how you need two different cells to make a human embryo, you can't smush two sperm or two ova together and make anything from it).

So, in conclusion, Conception is to Marriage as the Sky is to the 3 Kingdoms of Heaven because one is a type of the other.

" True types will have noticeable points of resemblance, show evidence of divine appointment, and be prophetic of future events."

I love these little insights I gain when studying. :)

Summary.

• Went dumpster diving today for a lost car key. It was so gross. first time I've ever had to go dumpster diving.
• We got a few new fish and one of them had babies but then they all got eaten. But we still have 4 very cool colored fish. Their names are Reggie(the only survivor from our origional tank), Sunny, Edward, and Freckles.
• Myles is working hard on a design for his residential landscape design class.
• I recited the family proclamation in my D&C class today for devotional.
• We may be going to Disneyland in April with my family! It will be nice to have some time to do something really fun. :)
• Got my Utah drivers license yesterday (Well, a temporary one, I'm waiting for the legit one to come in the mail. Utah drivers license department kinda sucks).
• Mormons are Christians. LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Only True God and Jesus Christ Whom He Hath Sent (used this article for a paper in my D&C Class).
• Went to a fun Jane Austen dance with Myles. It was a surprise date I planned. :)
• Myles brother Nick won state champion in his weight class.
• We are loving the warm weather.
• Moving next to seven peaks this summer for the next year or so. I plan on getting a season pass to 7 peaks water park and getting a sexy tan.
• I am not pregnant.