Baby Steps and Tender Mercies

Paisley's time at Primary Children's Hospital - Days 8 & 9

Over the next few days Paisley continued dialysis. It was tricky because they would plan a certain amount of time on the dialysis machine, and then it would just stop working and they would have to stop the whole process and reevaluate. Then, sometimes the catheter in her jugular would weaken and she would have to get a new one. That is another ordeal. It was worth the struggles because we could tell the dialysis was really helping her. Gradually, her lungs began to improve and she started to pee more (a sign of good kidney function). Meanwhile, we were still crossing our fingers that the breathing tube could come out soon.
Occasionally, the effects of the sedatives would weaken and Paisley would start to wake up a little. This was good because we could get an idea of brain function and she was showing some good signs, but it was also very hard for me and my family. When she would start to wake up she would grimace in pain, make strained noises, and try weakly to raise her arms. It was clear to me that she was hurting and there was nothing I could do to help but hold her hand and tell that I was there and I loved her. That combined with the constant ups and downs of dialysis and disappointment over the breathing tube was very hard on me emotionally.
The night of day 9 Was one of those break-down moments when I needed to get away and have a good cry. Myles and I left Paisley in the very capable care of the ICU nurses, went outside to one of the hospital gardens, and sat on a bench under some trees. We talked and cried for a while, and then we had an experience that was very special to me.
We were talking about trials and how God helps us learn from them. I told him I didn't know what God wanted me to learn from all this. He gently said:
"Why don't you ask Him?"
"He doesn't talk to me!" I cried and hung my head and sobbed. Myles went quiet. For what seemed like hours (but was really only a minute or two) I just cried. I felt so lost and alone.
Then, clearly in my mind came the scripture reference- Doctrine and Covenants 121. I opened the scripture app on my phone (thank you technology) and looked up the section. These verses stood out to me:

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? [...] My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

It was as if God Himself were saying it to me personally. He was talking to me. I knew it, Myles knew it, and I knew that God was listening to my every prayer and cared about every detail of my struggles. I felt such comfort! Myles and I hugged and cried some more.
I am so grateful for the scriptures. I am so glad that I studied them in seminary and religion classes, and I am so thankful I knew that scripture well enough to find it when I needed it. I know that the scriptures are God's word and he speaks to us personally through them. They bring the spirit and open a conduit to heaven. If you ever feel lost and alone, open the scriptures. God is there for you and He will give you what you need. Whether you need comfort, love, or guidance, He is there for you always. Just reach out.

To the Music Therapists Who Sang My Daughter to Sleep

November is the month of Thankfulness and there are 2 people I am thankful for today. The problem is, I don't know how to tell them, since I don't remember their names.

To the Music Therapists Who Sang My Daughter to Sleep,

My 2 year-old daughter was in rehab in the Neuro Trauma unit of Primary Children's Hospital recovering from a very serious illness which had affected her brain. It was early September, 2014.
I was excited for you to come! I love music, and believe in it's power to help other's heal and stimulate development. You came prepared with your guitar and gave my daughter instruments to play along to fun songs designed to help her recovery. Her participation was minimal and it soon became clear that she was too tired to cooperate, and how do you persuade a struggling toddler? Wanting to help in any way you could, you offered to sing her to sleep.
"Are there any songs she likes to fall asleep to?" You asked.
"Do you know any primary songs?" I replied
In my church we use primary songs to teach children about Jesus Christ and God's plan. I don't think you were members of my church, but you did know one song - "I Am A Child Of God." You began to play. I sat there on the bed of the hospital room cradling my daughter, rocking her like a newborn, and I sang along.

"I am a child of God
and He has sent me here;
has given me an earthly home 
with parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me.
Walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
to live with Him someday."

I began the second verse; "I am a child of God, and so my needs are great." That line was all I could manage before the sobs came. I was overcome with thoughts of the great needs of my beautiful daughter, struggling to recover from this serious illness at such a young age. God had given her to me and it was my responsibility to take care of those needs. I thought of my own great needs as I was also struggling through this very difficult time. I thought of all the people God had sent to me to help me with those great needs - including the two of you.
You continued to play and hum along to the sound of my sobs. You respected my pain and sustained me with your heavenly tune. Your music brought such great comfort as I felt the love of the Lord for me and my daughter. My weeping was an essential release, a way to remove some of the stress that had burdened me for so long. Your beautiful music made that possible.
I believe that music can bring peace, hope, and healing in a most beautiful and powerful way. It connects us to those around us and reminds us that we are not alone in our emotions. Your music did that for me.

Thank you, for helping in any way you could.
Thank you, for using your amazing talents to benefit those who truly need it.
Thank you, for knowing the song which meant so much to me.
Thank you, for respecting the struggles of me and my daughter.
Thank you, for facilitating that therapeutic release of pent up stress.
Thank you, for finding the beauty in my pain and struggle.
Thank you, for sharing your love with me, and reminding me of the love of God, family, and friends.

I still weep when I think of this powerful experience. You cannot know the effect it has had on me, or the effect you have on all those you work with. My daughter probably doesn't remember you (I don't think she remembers anything from her time in the hospital) but I will never forget the power you gave me.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Melodie, the weeping mother.

2 Years and 6 Months

Paisley just celebrated her 2nd birthday! I cant believe how big she is now! And she is more beautiful than ever. Some of her favorite things:

• Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood (Gi-ger)
• Candy (Kannee)
• Blankie (Bay-kee)
• Curried coconut chicken (Meats!)
• Beans (Beens)
• Her train set (Chuu chuu)
• Her new trike
• Her sister Laurel (Wa wa)
• Baths (bafs)
• iPad Games (geems)
• Daddy (Da da)
• Book of Mormon Stories (signs with her fist on her hand)

She knows so many words! She is learning new ones every day! She can do hand motions to songs and sign lots of words. She loves to run and dance and play. She has the biggest smile and the cutest giggle! She is learning to help clean up and get things for us. We have started letting her play with the potty a little and she got a special Winnie the Pooh potty seat ("poo seat") for her birthday so we will let her sit on it every now and then. Soon we will really begin potty training. I am so proud of her and how much she has learned and grown! 

At her birthday party

Playing in the autumn leaves

Riding her new trike!

Eating Halloween candy!

Dressed as Tinker Bell for Halloween

Laurel is now 6 months old! A few weeks ago she couldn't even sit up on her own but since then she has been learning like crazy! Now she can not only sit up, but also crawl, and pull herself to a stand! She is not very efficient at these things yet but she gets better every day! Standing is her new favorite trick to show off. She is still pretty wobbly and needs to learn better balance but she will get there. She loves to smile and giggle and play with her family. She doesn't need to be held quite so much now that she is learning to move so well. We have started giving her small bites of food. she doesn't eat much, but as they say about food in La Lechce League "Before one, just for fun". She still breastfeeds very well and is growing beautifully. I love her!!!

With Auntie Ashli at Paisley's Party

Eating Peas

Having fun exploring

Grinning with my hat on

A bumblebee for Halloween

Random Pictures with Captions

Paisley with her Great-Great Grandma! April 2012. 6 mos

Paisley with her Great-Grandma! 6 mos

Easter Morning! In her Easter Dress with her Easter Basket. 6 mos

Such a cute smile! 6 mos

We had a fun date at City Creek and got dressed up!

Paisley in her cute new swim suit! Beach ready! May 2012. 7 mos 

Cabin Trip to Joe's Valley with friends. Myles was so proud of these 3 big fish he caught! June 2012

We took Paisley to a petting zoo! She loved it! July 2012. 8 mos

Random picture of paisley! 10 mos.

At Bonnie's Wedding Reception! Sept 2012. 10 mos

Family Pictures! She was tired. 10 mos

First piece of cake for her first birthday!

Her fist sucker. On Halloween!

Fairy!

We both dressed as fairies for Halloween.

She loves Peanut Butter!

Sometimes her hair does funny things.

With Santa Claus!

The whole fam with Santa and Mrs. Claus.

The tree we picked! And the chocolate she got from Santa!

Opening Presents at Grandma and Grandpa Chris and Wendy's house on Christmas Morning. She was sick. 14 mos

Playing with her spaghetti! What a cutie!

First drink of grape juice and first drink from a sippy cup with a straw. YUM! She loved it!

Just a little update on what's going on with us, I'm pregnant again with another girl! She is due in April! Myles and I will both be graduating in April just a couple weeks after the baby is born, and then we will probably be moving wherever Myles gets a good job. He is looking at several different options right now but we are still looking for more opportunities. Paisley is walking and learning more and more every day. She should start talking soon. She knows a few words and will use them occasionally but isn't much of a talker yet. We are looking for a new home for our dog Joey so if you know of anyone please let us know. We are a happy family!

6 Months!

Now that school is done and my life is a lot more relaxed, I thought it would be a great time for another post!

Paisley is 6 months old now! It's gone by so fast! It feels like it's only been a month! I've gotten so used to changing diapers, washing clothes, and soothing her that it easy now. I love her more every day!

However, since it's been so long since I posted I had better rewind  pretty far and go over all the major things that have happened.

Paisley has always been such a good baby and I am proud to be her mama. She doesn't fuss much, she's never really spit up much, and every major transition has gone pretty smoothly. Not long after Paisley was born she started sleeping most nights. Not sleeping through the night but she would only wake up to eat and then usually go right back to sleep. But once the sun was up, she was up too! Sometimes it was difficult to get her to fall asleep in her bassinet because she preferred sleeping in our bed with us (and because I would fall asleep while feeding her and wake up a few hours later and she'd be hungry again...) but even though we loved snuggling with her we tried to get her to sleep in her bassinet when we could. 

Paisley's first time in her crib.

Paisley loved the wrap!

She did go through a phase at about 2 months when she cried often, but mostly in the evenings which happened to be the best for me because Myles would be home and we could take turns soothing her. 

This year we did Christmas morning in our home with just our little family. It was modest, but fun! We got most of Paisley opening her presents on video so we can remember it forever. Then soon after opening gifts we rushed over to Fiona's house and went to church with my family. she had such a pretty Christmas dress! 

The day after Christmas was her baby blessing. We did a small gathering in our church building (not a sacrament meeting) and gave her a blessing with family present. We chose the day after Christmas because my family was in town for the holiday and we didn't want them to have to make a separate trip. After the blessing we had refreshments and took some pictures. My mom and mom-in law have those pictures. If I can get my hands on them I'll post them. Myles family stayed for a little while and Paisley loved spending time with all her Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Grandparents while they were here. I think she liked the attention!

For her first Valentines day I got Paisley a cute little outfit and a new book to read to her about God's love for his children. She likes books but she mostly just chews on them. Although for a while she enjoyed turning the pages! When she was 3 1/2 months she started rolling over. Once she got the hang of that, we couldn't get her to stop! Any time we would lay her down on her back she would roll onto her tummy. Then it wasn't long before she learned to roll the other way too! It was her favorite method of travel.

When Paisley turned 4 months old we made a whole bunch of changes all at once. First, we started putting her in her crib in the nursery to sleep. This meant letting her "cry it out" to get to sleep. After only a few nights of crying she started going to sleep by herself very well.  We started this because our pediatrician said it was time. As soon as she started sleeping in the nursery she started sleeping for longer periods of time at night- at least 5 hours. She also started sucking her thumb! I guess since she didn't have me to give her her pacifier every 2 minutes she needed to find something else to suck on to soothe herself. We also had to provide her first bottle of formula when she was 4 months old. I had so much going on with school and taking care of her that I failed to pump enough milk to feed her while I was at school. Myles said she loved the formula which is good because it made it easy for us, but I was a little sad because I wanted her to prefer my milk. I sort of regret starting her on formula because since then I have had a few struggles producing all the milk she needs. I'm hoping my supply will build up again soon.

Now she is 6 months old and she is sleeping 7+ hour stretches at night, getting up onto her hands and knees, rolling/scooting around the house, putting everything she can reach in her mouth, sitting up without support (for short periods of time) and smiling at everyone who talks to her! Everyone loves her and I don't blame them. She is the cutest!

Paisley I love you so much and I can't believe how much you've grown! You are so strong and smart, you amaze me every day! You mean so much to me and I hope I can be the mother you deserve. You make me so happy, and I hope I can extend that happiness back to you. I love you!