The Birth of Eden Rose

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philipians 4:13

Before I became pregnant, I knew I wanted my next birth to be a Christ-centered birth.

I am part of a facebook group for LDS moms who choose natural birth, and I have been following their posts in my feed for a few years. From time to time the idea of a Christ-centered birth came up and I loved the idea. Those who had tried it highly recommended the book "The Gift of Giving Life" by Felice Austin, Launi Axman, Heather Farrell, Robyn Allgood, and Sheridan Ripley. I borrowed the book from my sister. It changed me.

I went into this birth with a greater understanding of the sacredness of what I was doing. I was prepared to feel a deeper connection with God, Jesus, Heavenly Mother, my baby, Eve, and all the women supporting me on both sides of the veil. I planned to pray throughout the labor and receive priesthood blessings. I picked inspiring arrangements of Hymns about Christ to play during the labor. I pondered on scriptures and quotes about mothers, babies, and Jesus Christ and His love. Although I worried about complications and worst-case scenarios, I prayed throughout my pregnancy for a smooth labor, health for me and my baby, and to feel a closer connection to Jesus Christ. I never expected Him to answer those prayers with such perfection. 

I began having early labor pains in the first midnight hours of Friday June 23rd. As with my previous labors, they kept me up most of the night but didn't become regular or progress. In the morning, Myles gave me a priesthood blessing before leaving for work. The pains came and went throughout the day as I picked up my Mom from the airport and we went about getting the house more organized. Friday night I was blessed to sleep through the night. I woke up well rested and went through most of Saturday with no contractions at all. Saturday night as Myles, my Mom, and I were watching a movie, I began feeling pretty uncomfortable in my lower abdomen so I decided to take a warm bath and see if it would help. That's when the contractions started coming regularly - probably about 5 minutes apart. The warm water soothed my belly as I swayed through the surges. I was smiling. I felt so calm and happy. Myles came in to see how I was doing and he helped by being with me and answering requests. 

Eventually I decided to get out of the tub and go to bed. I figured if they kept coming regularly after getting out of the tub then this was probably real labor. I slowly sucked in air with each contraction and exhaled the tension while Myles rubbed my back. Contractions got closer, and at about 1 am Sunday morning I called the midwife, Katia. I described what I was experiencing. She wasn't completely convinced I was in active labor, but we decided that If they kept progressing we would meet at the birth center at 2 am. I put on my robe and Myles and I got everything ready to go. He gave me another blessing as we prepared for the birth of our daughter.

Surges were getting stronger and I moaned through them. We woke my Mom to tell her we were going and drove to the birth center. We arrived, chatted a bit, and they checked my dilation. 4 cm. They directed me to the birthing suite. The suite has a bedroom area fully-furnished with a queen size bed, side-tables, an electric fireplace, and a chair. Through another door is our large private bathroom with a large jetted birth tub and everything we could need. 

We got settled and turned on my music. I wanted to get in the tub right away, but the midwives recommended I move around to help labor progress. For a while I bounced on the birthing ball, leaning on Myles as he sat in the chair in front of me. I groaned through each contraction - stealing kisses in the quiet moments, enjoying the music I had chosen. 

I really just wanted to get in the water so we filled the tub and I put my swim-top on. I was so relaxed in the water. I leaned my head back against a towel on the back of the tub, and held Myles hand. I smiled, telling Myles how content I was, how this was my most relaxed labor ever, how there was so much love in that room. You might have thought I was high on pain pills but I had not had any medication! I was thinking of meeting my baby and of how much Jesus Christ loved that baby, and loved me and my family. Eventually I became so relaxed I started dozing between contractions and time slipped by. 

A couple hours later when Katia came to check on me I asked her to check my progress. 6 cm. That's all? I felt a little discouraged and let some negativity come into my mind. I wanted things to move faster. What laboring mother doesn't? This was my third labor, after all.

I thought about getting out of the tub and walking around to help things progress more. I got out of the tub and put my robe on. I stopped to sit on the bed and said a little prayer asking for guidance. I felt that I needed to trust the Lord's timing and not rush things, so I gladly laid down on the bed, propped up by pillows, and dozed between contractions for a while longer. Myles held my hand and I would squeeze it during contractions, then relax and go back to sleep. 

A little while later, I felt ready to get up and walk around. The morning light was beginning to shine through the windows. I had hoped she would be born by then. It was slow-going. I would take a few steps, feel a wave coming on, and stop to lean on Myles and groan and sway through it. My doula/student midwife would squeeze my hips to relieve some of the pressure. Then I would take a few more steps and repeat. We did a few laps like this when I got the news that my sister Fiona had arrived. I was happy and relieved to see her there. I had been letting my impatience create negative thoughts and I needed her. She took over as doula, told me how well I was doing, reassured me that all was going well and it wouldn't be too much longer. That helped a lot, but there was still some tension in me. I wanted labor to move faster. 

I got back in the tub and silently prayed again to know what I could do. I asked to try the nitrous-oxide the birth center provides. They showed me how to use it and I slowly breathed it in. It helped calm me, but pretty soon my fingers started tingling and I didn't like that so I stopped using it.

I asked Myles to pray for me and ask for labor to move faster. Myles, Fiona, and I all prayed together. A few minutes later the surges got stronger. I felt a stubborn cramp in my lower abdomen but the minute I tried to change positions to ease the pain another contraction was coming. Suddenly things were moving very fast. My body was telling me to push. A strong push ended with a pop. My water had broken. The midwives hurried in. Another push and I could feel the birth canal opening as the head slid right through. I was so surprised! That was fast! I wanted to hold her! I instinctively reached down, pushed again, and she slid into my hands. As I was bringing her up to me Katia stopped me to pull the umbilical cord out of the way.

I brought her purple, waxy form up to my chest, and she stretched her neck, lifted her head up high, and opened her eyes for the first time, blinking against the light. It was beautiful! It was like watching an angel stretch her wings and take her first flight. 

I loosened the tie on my swimsuit for skin-to-skin and someone placed a towel over us. I talked to her, told her I loved her and was so glad to meet her. I asked her if she liked the name Eden Rose. She didn't seem to object, so I announced the name to the room.

I can't compare this feeling to anything else. The feeling of awe as we all marveled over this precious new soul... it's so unique and sacred. I imagine I might feel similar when I see the Savior's face again.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me... Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

Eden Rose Porter was born on June 25th at 9:29 am. She weighed 7lbs, 3oz and was 21 inches long. She fills my heart and my home with love and joy.

Baby Steps and Tender Mercies

Paisley's time at Primary Children's Hospital - Days 8 & 9

Over the next few days Paisley continued dialysis. It was tricky because they would plan a certain amount of time on the dialysis machine, and then it would just stop working and they would have to stop the whole process and reevaluate. Then, sometimes the catheter in her jugular would weaken and she would have to get a new one. That is another ordeal. It was worth the struggles because we could tell the dialysis was really helping her. Gradually, her lungs began to improve and she started to pee more (a sign of good kidney function). Meanwhile, we were still crossing our fingers that the breathing tube could come out soon.
Occasionally, the effects of the sedatives would weaken and Paisley would start to wake up a little. This was good because we could get an idea of brain function and she was showing some good signs, but it was also very hard for me and my family. When she would start to wake up she would grimace in pain, make strained noises, and try weakly to raise her arms. It was clear to me that she was hurting and there was nothing I could do to help but hold her hand and tell that I was there and I loved her. That combined with the constant ups and downs of dialysis and disappointment over the breathing tube was very hard on me emotionally.
The night of day 9 Was one of those break-down moments when I needed to get away and have a good cry. Myles and I left Paisley in the very capable care of the ICU nurses, went outside to one of the hospital gardens, and sat on a bench under some trees. We talked and cried for a while, and then we had an experience that was very special to me.
We were talking about trials and how God helps us learn from them. I told him I didn't know what God wanted me to learn from all this. He gently said:
"Why don't you ask Him?"
"He doesn't talk to me!" I cried and hung my head and sobbed. Myles went quiet. For what seemed like hours (but was really only a minute or two) I just cried. I felt so lost and alone.
Then, clearly in my mind came the scripture reference- Doctrine and Covenants 121. I opened the scripture app on my phone (thank you technology) and looked up the section. These verses stood out to me:

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? [...] My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

It was as if God Himself were saying it to me personally. He was talking to me. I knew it, Myles knew it, and I knew that God was listening to my every prayer and cared about every detail of my struggles. I felt such comfort! Myles and I hugged and cried some more.
I am so grateful for the scriptures. I am so glad that I studied them in seminary and religion classes, and I am so thankful I knew that scripture well enough to find it when I needed it. I know that the scriptures are God's word and he speaks to us personally through them. They bring the spirit and open a conduit to heaven. If you ever feel lost and alone, open the scriptures. God is there for you and He will give you what you need. Whether you need comfort, love, or guidance, He is there for you always. Just reach out.

Paisley's Birth

 Paisley Kaye Porter

Born on her due date Oct 30 2011 at 7:53 am

7lbs 12 oz

21 inches long

Basically, I was in labor for over 4 days. That's if you count "early labor" which I think should be counted. I woke up around 3 am Wednesday morning Oct 26 with crampy contractions that were pretty strong. They were also pretty close together. I thought maybe it was the real thing! Then morning came around and they slowed down a lot for the rest of the day. The next 2 days were the same story: lots of contractions at night but slow during the day. However, they were gradually getting more regular so that was a good sign. I barely got any sleep, but it was good practice for real labor.
Friday afternoon I realized I hadn't felt the baby move much all day so I called my midwife and she suggested we go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok. It was. No problems with the baby. I was dilated to 1.5 at that point. Kind of disappointing after 2 days of strong contractions.
Saturday morning I realized that if I made a low moaning sound with the contractions it helped me to release tension and made the pain turn into more of a discomfort. I just had to close my eyes, relax my muscles, especially the muscles in my face, and focus on using that exhale/moan to release the tension in my abdomen. This is what it looked like:

Joey was helping me relax. :)

Myles was so great all day Saturday. He knew I didn't get much sleep and that the contractions were hard to deal with so he made me food and cleaned the whole house while still helping me time the contractions.
Finally, Saturday around 4:30pm the contractions started to feel different. I still felt that campy feeling but there was a lot more pressure with them, and some lower back pain too.  I told my sister who is a natural birth instructor and she thought it sounded like the real thing. We were diligent in timing the contractions after that, and at 9:30 they started coming 3 to 4 minutes apart. we waited a couple hours to make sure and at 11:30 Myles, my sister Fiona and I went to the hospital, but we knew they might just send us back home. They checked me and... I was at a 5! So they admitted me into the hospital.

It's funny how many people have this perception of "going into labor" like it happens suddenly and in a super exciting way, but most people know it's happening long before heading to the hospital. If your water breaks before going into labor that's a different story, but I read somewhere that only happens in about 8% of pregnancies.
The back pain with my contractions was getting worse. Fiona was my doula and she and Myles took turns giving me back rubs to help during the contractions. But it was still pretty bad. If it weren't for the back pain, labor would have been easy.
After about 4 hours in the hospital I was pretty exhausted and I wanted a break! I had only progressed to a 6 so I knew I still had a ways to go. I was hoping there was something that would help me to zonk out for an hour so I could regain my energy. The nurse gave me a drug called Fetanyl to help me sleep but it didn't do anything. Because of that I can't say my labor and delivery were 100% drug free, but I still call it a natural birth because there wasn't really any pain relief. If you are ever considering getting Fetanyl to help with labor and delivery, don't do it. It's not worth it. It doesn't even work, especially on back pain.
After that labor just got harder, mostly because of the back pain and because I was so tired. We knew the back pain was because the baby was in a posterior position, which means head down with her back against my back. This puts a lot of pressure on my back which causes the pain. We tried some different positions leaning forward to get her to turn anterior, hoping that would make the pain go away. It didn't seem like anything was working and I was too tired and weak to stay leaning forward for very long. By this point I was thinking that if we couldn't get her to change positions I would get an epidural, not just because of the back pain, but also because I've heard it's very difficult and painful to push out a posterior baby. Update: one important detail I forgot to mention. I remember at this moment praying that God would help me by getting Paisley to turn so I could have the natural birth I wanted. We called in the midwife to see if she knew of anything else we could try to get her to turn. Right before she came in I felt the baby move but I thought it was just an arm or a leg. Soon after she came in my water broke with a big pop! They say when your water breaks labor speeds up. Well, it sure did! She checked me right after and I was complete! And even better, the baby had turned! What a relief! God answers prayers!
After days of contractions, I hadn't even thought about pushing. So after feeling all that relief, the next thought was "How the heck am I going to push this baby out?" I started trying to "breathe the baby down" like they say in hypnobirthing but I was tired and impatient and didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. The midwife coached me through the kind of pushing she finds works best. So I waited for the urge and then gave it my all. After a couple of tries I got it right and I was making progress! A few more of those urges to push and she was born. I was so relieved I exclaimed "I had a baby!"
By this point I was so tired I was nearly delusional. They put the baby on my stomach for a moment and Myles cut the cord because it had already stopped pulsing, then they took her away because she had junk in her respiratory system and wasn't breathing. She was in the same room but I was still sad. Then the nurse tried to give me pitocin and I didn't know why so I took my arm away and told her I'd rather not. Then the midwife told me I was bleeding a lot so I needed pitocin so I let her give it to me. They kept telling me not to worry and everything would be ok. I thought 'What? I'm bleeding a lot? Why? And why is my baby over there and not in my arms?' I was told I had two minor tears. Everything was happening so fast and I was so tired I had no idea what was really going on.
A few minutes later everything was finally okay and I got to hold my precious baby. I was so glad to look into her eyes and say hello to her. She is so beautiful and perfect. I can't believe I grew her in my tummy! I love her so much. They asked us what her name was. Myles and I agreed so we told them "Paisley Kaye Porter". Hooray! Welcome to the world Paisley Kaye!

I held her and just stared at her and fed her for over an hour. Myles was right next to me marveling with me. She was so alert and she would just stare into my eyes like she was memorizing my face. One of the first features I noticed was her nose. She has her grandma Janeal's nose.
Later, although I was exhausted I couldn't get to sleep. I decided to try and get up and use the restroom so I called the nurse. While I was out of bed I lost so much blood that I passed out! It was kind of scary! The nurses saved my life by waking me up and taking me to the bed. They gave me more pitocin and more pain killers. Then I was finally able to sleep a little.
It's been a week since then and the rest of the recovery has gone very very well. I get pretty tired after long nights and when I get tired I get emotional. Most of the time it's because I'm overwhelmed by how much I love my daughter! Overall my mood and energy has been good, and I still laugh and play with my family. Physically, the healing has been very fast. I'm out going for walks and running errands already and the swelling is almost completely gone. I can do anything for myself that I need to... If I can find time and energy.  The hardest part has been learning how to breastfeed. It takes a while to perfect the art of latching on, and it can be frustrating when your milk comes in and things get messy... but we're working on it. I'm learning new things every day.

Myles has been such a great daddy to her. He loves to hold her and he is always willing to help out in the middle of the night. I'm so grateful that I have him as my companion to help me take care of our beautiful daughter.

Paisley has been such a good baby. She only really cries when she's hungry. She loves to be held. She even let me sleep for 5 hours one night. Everything she does is cute. I love her. 

Paisley's first bath. She didn't like it much.

Christmas Time is Here

I love Christmas time! We put up our AWESOME fresh tree that Myles got for free and it looks beautiful! It could maybe use a little more decor but I love it! We even put up lights outside our house in the bushes and around the door! It's great! We are so festive this year. I wish we had more decorations, especially a nativity.

I have gotten so many uplifting messages about Christ I have truly been edified and my testimony of Christ has been strengthened. I want to remind everyone about what Christmas is truly about so I have a little Christmas thought to share.

Alma 7:11-12

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith that he shall take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people”

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”

Christ was not required to experience our pains, sicknesses, and sorrows for the plan of God to be carried out and the world to be redeemed of their sins. He suffered these things “that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [aid] his people according to their infirmities.” Christ chose to suffer every sorrow, pain, affliction and grief we will experience; and all this out of pure love. In Him we have a constant loving friend and the only One who can honestly say He knows exactly what we are going through. He gives us His pure empathy and charity.

If Christ has given us so great a gift, what can we give to Him this holiday season as we celebrate His coming to this earth in a tabernacle of clay? “Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another” (1 John 4:11). How will you show your love for your fellow men and women this Christmas season and show your gratitude for Christ’s perfect love?